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Speaking of the 'due window', with both pregnancies so far I've carried a little longer. Even though this time I had a turbulent uterus even starting around 31 weeks! At 37 weeks and some days, I started a 'test labor' that could have turned real! I started getting regular contractions while out running errands. I even had to stop and concentrate some while at Aldi and people around me were getting annoying. I couldn't ignore the contractions even though I was trying to. And when I got home, somehow I felt like pacing around down in the bathroom. And I felt like I was dilating and dropping even though I didn't check. But we had friends coming over so then I got distracted with being ready right before they got there, and this made my contractions stop! Bummer! I ended up carrying quite awhile longer! Even though, just like my first baby, I had labor on her due date! Woke me up around 4-something in the morning just like with my first baby! And then I couldn't sleep. Got up and labored several hours (light, early labor style but still steady contractions), only for it to die out that afternoon when I started to give my first daughter a bath. (Distractions, those are something for me that seem to shut down or stall my labor). Another bummer, and, exhaustion. I still had a ways to go. Several more days later, cramps and contractions here and there between, I needed a change.
Interjection here for a blip about people-pleasing and boundaries. Both of which, were poor oversight on my end. I listened to another birth story not long back(on the Happy Homebirth podcast) of another mama with some similarities to me....she had trauma in her past...she had a big move, a planned homebirth that didn't work out, a rough postpartum, and a big realization about people-pleasing). The story made me break down and weep. Weep. That's when I really realized I have issues in processing my own story. As I reflect, I know that I did a lot of prep work for this birth, both internally and externally. I was putting a lot of pressure on my body to perform. And somehow, subconsciously I think I was trying to please my midwife with an amazing birth(since my first was pretty amazing and she was my doula for that one). And, to add more dynamics, I had allowed my mom and sister to enter my birthing space. And that was poor foresight on my end. I allowed 'feeling bad' for my mom and sister both being in the middle of transitions,(well to be honest my mom never transitions...just squats at her various children's homes), to affect my birth prep space. It wasn't as peaceful between all three of them as I had hoped and then all of a sudden I couldn't people-please everyone. I was stuck, with my dysfunctional family who had nowhere to go(apparently my problem?), and I needed to have a baby. My midwife thought that it might not be best to have my mom around at this exact time, but I didn't fully have it in me to tell her to go. I wasn't in a strong mental space. I should have begged my husband to do that...he would have helped. But inwardly, I'd really hoped that my mom would shine through for me in this birth since she herself had seven(yes 7) homebirths. One would think! Little did I know (or let myself be intuitive about) at the time, all the effects of her own trauma playing out under my roof. I really learned from this later, upon much reflection and counseling. In many ways it was wonderful having my sister around, however, as she was really helpful with my toddler and she is a massage therapist. But as I mentioned it was getting stressful in my birthing space. My midwife was also about to take a vacation (long-planned on her end), and I was her last mama to go and even though she wasn't pressuring me to 'get this baby out already' like a doctor probably would at 41 weeks. I also wasn't at peace about relying upon her back-up assistant should she leave before I gave birth. That was difficult to be honest about too, but I've since realized how important it is to fully trust the one showing up for your birth. Don't judge yourself for who you trust or don't trust while you're in it...listen to your intuition. So, basically, all the details of my life were ONE GIANT STEWPOT: I was 41 weeks and counting. My mother was there, with her own unhealed trauma seeping into my precious (once-peaceful) birth space. My husband had started his job 8 hours away but was now on leave waiting for me to have this baby any day. Friends were waiting, praying, asking, suggesting things. (!!!) I was feeling the weight of having to move soon, leaving this beloved little home, our church community, dear friends, and our beautiful little adventurous life we'd started as a family there. And here I was struggling to get this baby out. I'd thought I'd felt safe for everything to play out naturally at home. But, at 41 weeks and 3 days, I started to feel unwell. Must have been my blood pressure. That night I had a weepy dinner out, with my amazing mama friends at Crooked Pint. One of my friends there was going through a miscarriage, and she was crying for the baby who didn't stay. And here I was, crying for the baby I couldn't get out. After dinner I sat in the parking lot in my car for a long time, feeling like I was having quite a dark mental breakdown. I had a hard conversation with my midwife that night that didn't go so well.
I let things sit yet another day, to see if I felt better and/or had a shift of insight and decision. I didn't. The next day, Friday, in the afternoon I felt like I needed to go in for a NST(non-stress-test/bio-profile). I'd done this at the same gestation point with my first too, so I wasn't uncomfortable about it. We went in, and thankfully baby was doing great, but my blood pressure wasn't. Even after resting for at least a couple hours there, it was slow to come down only somewhat. No protein in my urine thankfully, so not indicative of preeclampsia. But, we decided that getting ready to come back in the next day for induction was a good plan. It was helpful that the OB I'd seen at an earlier ultrasound happened to be on call that night and saw me. Then she prepped my paperwork for the next day, so it was smooth sailing on that front when I came in. Hah, a little more trouble though on the home front, however! The next day it seemed to be taking my husband and I forever to get ready. Not like us at all!...kidding. I happened to knock a pipe loose under our bathroom sink, I think while putting something away, and all of a sudden we had a water mess to fix before going to have a baby! The irony of our lives! We needed everyone to be taken care of at home so we could go relax and have a baby! Not kidding actually. It was still frozen-land in Northern Minnesota in early March. No surprise there, and I have a love-hate relationship with it. I wanted it to be Spring already.
- To Be Continued -
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