When Skies are Grey in a Mother's World

                 

  - Written when I was just processing raw thoughts as a new mother, amisdst the joy that I had as well. I was having a reckoning with how much my life had just chaanged, so quickly. Wondering if I was happy, giving myself space for the difficult emotions. - 

It's one of those winter days, when it's just 'meh' and white-grey almost matching the off-white snow below. I love fresh snow(at least when it's not an overwhelming amount anyway), and it's supposed to snow later today. This unites my thoughts with what it's like having a new baby. Like fresh snow to a winter lover, there is joy and fresh delight. It is beyond joyful and delightful when you have your first sweet baby. We stare at our precious  new life in amazement, feeling such relief that they're here and that the difficulty of labor and birth are finally over. Relief that after 9 to 10 LONG months, there is finally a payoff for all that we went through.  We feel all this. 

And then. Harder days come.  Sometimes more quickly than for others, sometimes delayed. It's like grey skies. We are working in a unique way as a new mother, harder than ever, giving life day by day. Yet the life-giving feels entirely draining, emptying us of feeling beautiful, feeling youthful,  feeling healthy and energized. We look into the mirror and see 'battle scars': all the birth marks. Somehow we thought that having the baby would make all these seem worth it, but some days it's hard not to stand in the mirror without shaming ourselves. Days run into nights, all jumbled. We smell, like never before,  and seem to have every type of fluid draining from and through our body: milk, blood, sweat, tears, other stinky stuff, and who-knows-what. 

For me, harder days came as somewhat of a surprise. As soon as I took time off work for maternity leave, the monotinous days felt like an eternity while I waited for baby girl to come. She came later that week at about two weeks overdue, but that was the longest week of my life. Fast forward to newborn care, and I felt like I was sitting around doing very little all day. My butt hurt, like really hurt, but I couldn't walk for very long either. That was an adjustment. Honestly I absolutely loved being a new mother and I adored my new baby so so much. But my whole world has just spun around and here I was trying to find my footing. I hadn't really realized that birthing a baby means that you birth yourself in the process. So just like a newborn, I was learning to see, learning this new outside world that seemed entirely different. It's as if when I birthed my daughter, she birthed to the outside but I birthed inward: a new vulnerable space. 

I think it can be hard no matter what kind of birth you have. I had a wonderful birth, nevertheless as a brand new mother, there is always an adjustment. I believe that later, looking back on these days, I'll remember to be kind to myself. At least I`m hoping, I'll look back with grace. There is so much to get used to as a new mother. We have to rise each day with new strength like never before. And yet, we still feel like we're not doing enough. We compare ourselves to oher 'cool moms' on social media. We compare our babies size and developement to other babies and fear that we might be messing up our child. We come to realize that the physical taking care of a baby is actually the easy part of motherhood. The rest is the hard part: the decisions, the other work, all the balancing that never balances, all the others that we need to give attention to besides our baby, not to mention our own health and sanity on top of everything.

 Truly, I blame myself for not constantly being there for my baby, as a working mother. I fear, though my husband and I have chosen to do this, at least for this season, that I may never forgive myself. I hope that's not the case, but I have to admit that there is a grieving period when a mother goes back to work. No one truly understand this except those who've done it. The physical separation of mother and baby, after being bonded for a year, is just wrong. I feel all this, though I'm still doing it. And really, my baby girl is truly happy. She doesn't seem to mind at all. She smiles when I drop her off at daycare and she smiles when I pick her up. This gives me strength to know that she's really just fine. Still, It's hard becouse I wonder what I'm missing out on, day after day. Grace, give grace. Oftentimes the most difficult person to show grace to is ourselves.